I Wish I Was Manic

I am too insane to explain and you are too normal to understand 

The High

 Being bipolar life is so much easier when you're manic; it's more fun too. During this time, you can effortlessly juggle numerous tasks and even have the energy to walk 11k when you are finished. You don't sleep, but you feel like you're on top of the world.  You have no access to any negative emotions. There is no getting sad while you're manic, you don't have time for that. But you do have time to do all the household chores and then some. You feel confident about yourself and what you've done. You begin to love yourself again. In fact, these moments are so empowering that they feel like being on an unshakeable high, prompting a playful nickname for these episodes as "getting the zoomies." 

The Low

But it's not all fun and games, the high can leave you standing out in the middle of the street, not knowing your name or where you came from. Memory loss is a huge thing that happens when you're experiencing an extreme high or an extreme low. 

There is mental health and there is mental illness. The difference? People love talking about yoga, meditation, and self-care days, but get uncomfortable talking about the blackouts, the dark thoughts, and the manic episodes. Three days go by, and you realize you haven't slept or eaten anything. I become more talkative, talking endlessly about everything and nothing. Sometimes it won't make sense. Impulsive behavior is a huge issue for me; I jump at every chance I get to get what I want in that moment. I start a million new tasks or hobbies and never finish them. I had all the motivation, and now it's gone. I overspend like money doesn't grow on trees. The low is what gets me. Depression comes back stronger than ever, and anxiety won't let me leave the house. The extreme highs and the extreme lows is what being bipolar is all about. I cannot control my own emotions.

 I wish I was manic.