I have Food Fixations

I have food fixations.
I have safe foods.
I have a weird relationship with food.

Does anyone else have this?

I love going out to restaurants and trying new foods, but I also have some favorite dishes that I can't say no to. They make me happy, and I feel like I have a little piece of home with me. Here are some of my fixations over the years. 

I have an eating disorder I don't remember when it all started, but this has lasted more than 10 years. My first food fixation was when I had psychosomatic migraines really bad, and I would stay in bed all day with severe pain, and the only thing I would eat was: Plain butter tarts, Scottish mints, sour keys(from Shell 21), and Coffee Lodges peanut butter cookies. That's all I would put into my body; I wouldn't touch anything else. Then, during the same time, I progressed to guacamole and chips, which I only ate at night, outside around the round table. Having fixations comes with strange rules. The next food fixation that lasted the whole time while I was in the Eating Disorders Clinic. I ate fried kale with balsamic vinegar and garlic. I ate that every night I was allowed to, or every night that I was allowed to go home. Straight after leaving that strange, useless place, my longest fixation started. You would have thought the Eating Disorder Clinic would have helped with these habits, but it didn't help. I still had these rules on what foods I could and could not eat. My new rule was that I had to eat two chocolate chip waffles every morning at around 5-7 am. It was the no-name brand, nothing else. Although I did really like the gluten-free chocolate chip waffles. Sometimes, for a treat, I would get EGGO chocolate chip waffles if I were so lucky. When I was working at the grocery store, my go-to snack every day was the Sugar Belgium waffles, which suited my fancy, accompanied by an orange Monster on the side. For beverages, right now I will only drink coffee (Black with ice), peach juice, or cranberry juice. 

 Whenever I visited my friends' houses, they always bought boxes of waffles just for me. Which made me feel awkward and uncomfortable for being so picky. I know they were only trying to be nice. It's hard to go out when your brain is stuck on a certain food. That's all you think about.  

The fixation I am currently on is cheese sandwiches for lunch, no breakfast. Nothing but cheese bread, chips, and Chipotle sauce. Sometimes butter, if I'm feeling adventurous. What I'm really enjoying right now are granola bars, lots of them. It doesn't matter what kind as long as they don't have fruit in them. I could eat a whole pack in one day, maybe two. 

Peanut butter is next on the fixation list, and that is eaten by the

spoonful. I need to get my protein somehow. 

Every night, I have to ask my parents to hide the food that I usually eat. It’s because my medication makes me feel really hungry, and if I go upstairs, I end up eating everything I can find. I have a list of “safe” foods that I like to eat, and I know I can stick to those, but sometimes I just can’t help myself and grab other snacks too. So, I need my parents to help me by keeping those safe foods out of sight. It’s kind of like a game for me, trying to stay on track and not let the hunger take over! This medication leaves me with an unbeatable hunger.

"Food is fuel, eat better, not less. One should eat to live, not live to eat."