I Don't Have a Baseline

The medical system has failed me yet again. 

My body and mind can't handle these medication changes anymore. It's happening weekly and sometimes daily. I can only take so much; it's getting to be too much. I need a psychiatrist who listens. I'm taking handfuls of medications every day and every night just to stay alive. I don't have a baseline. I've never had the chance to have one. I don't know what it's like to be a normal adult. Or what it's like to experience a "normal" life. 

I've been heavily medicated since I was 17, and I am now almost 28. That's a huge chunk of my adult life gone to medication, hospitals, rehab, treatment centers, and a detox clinic. It's getting very tiring. I can barely keep my eyes open. I feel and look like a zombie. I'm so tired. I've had this feeling before way too many times. I shouldn't be used to it. I'm on too much medication. I just need to be on the right cocktail of medication. I don't need people to keep adding more and more, and continually increasing my dosages. I need to be on less. Badly. I want to live a stable life.

You'll catch me right now, slurring and falling asleep mid-conversation. It looks and feels like I'm drunk, but I'm not. It's beyond embarrassing. How am I supposed to explain to people that I am not drunk, it's just the medication? How am I supposed to do voice-overs when I can barely get a word out without slurring? It takes that much more effort just to read a script aloud. I have to focus on every single word and syllable. I'm beyond frustrated. 

I realize I will never live a life without medication. Being Bipolar type 1, that's just not a possibility. But come on, this is just overkill. I can't enjoy life when I'm this numb. I can't control my grand emotions or freakouts. I don't think I even know what emotions are anymore, as I'm constantly swinging back and forth on the manic scale. Either I'm on a super manic high or a severe manic depression low; there's no in between. I'm black and white, and I have been told I have no grey. Manic episodes can be a medical emergency, but no one takes mental health seriously. The line for a new psychiatrist is way too long and a complicated process. I need someone to listen and advocate for me now. I want a better life. I need a better life. I want to be able to think clearly without the numbness.

 "The little girl just could not sleep because her thoughts were way too deep and her mind had gone out for a stroll and fallen down a rabbit hole."