Expirenecing Loneliness as an Adult

I am not alone. I have a great support system behind me that I am truly thankful for; this is not a cry for help. 

I'm just lonely; there's a huge difference. Being lonely doesn't mean having someone next to you all the time; it's the painful disconnection from other human beings. Life has a way of making us feel a bit adrift and insignificant, even in the company of others. Loneliness is not solitude. Solitude requires being alone.

 

You never realize how lonely you actually are until it's the end of the day and you have stories to share and things to say, but no one to talk to or no shoulder to lean on. Nobody knows about the little meltdowns I have when I'm alone. They only know the laughs and smiles I show them. The nights look sad and grey, the days look the same. Being so isolated makes you cry yourself to sleep. Your anxiety gets the better of you, and you don't want to disturb people by messaging them first, so you don't. Loneliness is about being surrounded by a sea of people and feeling like you don't belong with them, or anywhere in the world. You may speak, but you won't be heard. You start putting people's needs before you're own. You become obsessed with forming and maintaining friendships. You feel the need to be overly helpful or nice to people who may not deserve it. You feel as if you don't start the conversation, they will forget about you or consider you unimportant to them. 

Do you ever feel so lonely that your chest aches and your knees feel weak? You don't want pity, so you keep quiet. Being social doesn't cure loneliness; it just makes you keep up with appearances. There is a limit to how strong you can be. Everyone breaks when it comes to isolation because no one is stronger than loneliness; it breaks you beyond repair. Being lonely is like being a ghost; you can hear everyone, but no one can hear you. Loneliness is the devil I often dance with. I need a break from the loneliness that is totally consuming me.